One more thing before we start: WE ARE ONE WEEK AWAY! (From the Next Chapter Bash.) We are still in the midst of fundraising and have another $5,000 to go by the end of July 25th. Let's do this!
Ok, now here we go:
6. While the benefits of an open adoption are overwhelmingly greater than its risks, sometimes the biological parent of your adopted child might make life decisions with which you do not agree (ie. drugs, relationships, etc). Yet still, it is of the utmost importance to keep that biological mother in high regard for your child's sake, and for your sake. The Cradle staff were not implying that they want us to be dishonest with our children, but rather that we must not give our child the impression that they came from a place that was wrong, evil, or negative. Because it just isn't true. Rather, that child was born from someone who loved them enough to make the ultimate sacrifice of giving her to someone else to raise, because they thought that would be better for their daughter and for themselves. I truly believe that if anywhere in this scenario you might label someone a "hero," this is where it would be - despite any and all scenarios in which a mother came to this decision and for which I have another pent up rant that will have to be an entire blog post of its own.
7. An adoptee who was raised knowing very little about her birth parents said it was really tough to not know much about her biological mother: "You feel like there is this ghost around you all the time when you don't know about your birth parent...And as a child I didn't know how to ask the questions about my birth mother." A feeling of completion - of knowing her own story - came after the full information about her biological mother was finally given to her when she was an adult. She pointed out that growing up she "didn't have the words" - didn't know how to express the questions she harbored - that would reveal what she wanted to know about her origins. She, and The Cradle staff, recommended that particularly in cases where the birth parent isn't part of an ongoing open relationship with the adoptive family, we should share everything we know at whatever level our adopted child is at because the child's lack of asking does not mean that the child doesn't care or doesn't want to know. Of course she wants to know.
8. "Children should never remember the day they found out they were adopted. It should always be part of their story, their identity." There are a whole host of children's books that help little ones understand their identity as an adopted child. From the moment they are brought home, even while you are cradling a child that is just a few days old, and you are talking to him: you should be telling his story to him. You should be telling him about where he came from and how much he is loved.
9. Transracial adoption needs to be navigated intentionally, but an adoption where the child looks like they could be your biological child comes with its challenges too. One big challenge is that it is easier to avoid the conversation about adoption both within the family and with the adoptive child's friends because, well - he doesn't have too. It isn't a topic that comes up naturally because it is not part of his visible identity. But not talking about it openly makes it seem more like a "secret." And we don't want adoption to be a secret. Secrets are usually held because there is shame or negativity associated with the information. Don't let that be the case! There is nothing negative here!
10. An adoptee shared a story from her childhood that stuck with her through adulthood and still bothers her a bit. She is Hispanic and her adoptive parents are Caucasian. One day, while in line at the grocery store with just her mom, another customer stated that the daughter looks nothing like her mother. Her mother replied, "She looks more like her dad." While it was surely a decision mom had made because there wasn't time to go into detail and she was just trying to get through the grocery line, her adopted daughter thought, "Why couldn't she have just said, 'She's adopted.' proudly?" I am not completely sure what my takeaway is from that and am still trying to wrestle with it. Thoughts?
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