Another 5 Things from Adoption 101

A few days ago I posted the first 5 takeaways/moments/things from the Adoption 101 class we took at The Cradle. I had intended to post all 10 at that time... but then I couldn't prevent a rant and the post got too long. So I split it into two posts.

One more thing before we start: WE ARE ONE WEEK AWAY! (From the Next Chapter Bash.) We are still in the midst of fundraising and have another $5,000 to go by the end of July 25th. Let's do this!

Ok, now here we go:

6. While the benefits of an open adoption are overwhelmingly greater than its risks, sometimes the biological parent of your adopted child might make life decisions with which you do not agree (ie. drugs, relationships, etc). Yet still, it is of the utmost importance to keep that biological mother in high regard for your child's sake, and for your sake. The Cradle staff were not implying that they want us to be dishonest with our children, but rather that we must not give our child the impression that they came from a place that was wrong, evil, or negative. Because it just isn't true. Rather, that child was born from someone who loved them enough to make the ultimate sacrifice of giving her to someone else to raise, because they thought that would be better for their daughter and for themselves. I truly believe that if anywhere in this scenario you might label someone a "hero," this is where it would be - despite any and all scenarios in which a mother came to this decision and for which I have another pent up rant that will have to be an entire blog post of its own.

7. An adoptee who was raised knowing very little about her birth parents said it was really tough to not know much about her biological mother: "You feel like there is this ghost around you all the time when you don't know about your birth parent...And as a child I didn't know how to ask the questions about my birth mother." A feeling of completion - of knowing her own story - came after the full information about her biological mother was finally given to her when she was an adult. She pointed out that growing up she "didn't have the words" - didn't know how to express the questions she harbored - that would reveal what she wanted to know about her origins. She, and The Cradle staff, recommended that particularly in cases where the birth parent isn't part of an ongoing open relationship with the adoptive family, we should share everything we know at whatever level our adopted child is at because the child's lack of asking does not mean that the child doesn't care or doesn't want to know. Of course she wants to know.

8. "Children should never remember the day they found out they were adopted. It should always be part of their story, their identity." There are a whole host of children's books that help little ones understand their identity as an adopted child. From the moment they are brought home, even while you are cradling a child that is just a few days old, and you are talking to him: you should be telling his story to him. You should be telling him about where he came from and how much he is loved.

9. Transracial adoption needs to be navigated intentionally, but an adoption where the child looks like they could be your biological child comes with its challenges too. One big challenge is that it is easier to avoid the conversation about adoption both within the family and with the adoptive child's friends because, well - he doesn't have too. It isn't a topic that comes up naturally because it is not part of his visible identity. But not talking about it openly makes it seem more like a "secret." And we don't want adoption to be a secret. Secrets are usually held because there is shame or negativity associated with the information. Don't let that be the case! There is nothing negative here!

10. An adoptee shared a story from her childhood that stuck with her through adulthood and still bothers her a bit. She is Hispanic and her adoptive parents are Caucasian. One day, while in line at the grocery store with just her mom, another customer stated that the daughter looks nothing like her mother. Her mother replied, "She looks more like her dad." While it was surely a decision mom had made because there wasn't time to go into detail and she was just trying to get through the grocery line, her adopted daughter thought, "Why couldn't she have just said, 'She's adopted.' proudly?" I am not completely sure what my takeaway is from that and am still trying to wrestle with it. Thoughts?

5 of 10 Interesting Things from Adoption 101

You'll have to read to the bottom to read the most exciting news. Well, I guess you could just scroll down without reading, but, won't you feel guilty? I mean... I spent all this time writing this post and well... Ok. Here we go...

5 of 10 Interesting Things from Adoption 101

There were tears shed during Saturday's Adoption 101 class at The Cradle, but there was also a lot of laughter. During the 8 hour session that was the first of many classes that potential adoptive families must take, we were encouraged to express our hopes and our fears about the adoption process. The information shared by Cradle staff throughout the session abated many of those expressed fears, but it also gave us new ones - forcing us to focus on aspects of the adoptive life that are of real consequence.

For probably all of us couples, it was the first time we had met any other couples that were currently going through the adoption process. And I have no way to describe meeting them other than: it was amazing. As a group, we also got to meet people who have already been part of the adoption process: an adult adoptee, a biological mother, and three transracial adoptive families.

Here are just the first half of the 10 key moments/takeaways/statistics/things from the day, in no particular order. For brevity, I will share the other 4 later this week:

1. In the past 95 years of The Cradle's existence - having placed nearly 16,000 adoptions - not one has been overturned. The main takeaway from this was that adoptive families, biological families, and perhaps just no one ever should ever watch the Lifetime Channel...ever. The story of the person coming out of nowhere and saying they are your real mother... it just... it really doesn't happen when an adoption is done right. So just... stop it. Stop it. No more Lifetime Channel.

2. 65% of parents giving children for adoption at The Cradle are already parenting other children. I thought this was such an interesting statistic! Mind blown! I cannot comment further on this one without going on a rant. So I won't.

3. The average age of biological mothers giving children for adoption is 24. While there is the occasional teen mom that gives a child for adoption through the agency, teens aren't nearly the portion of the statistic that many people would assume. I have another rant that I could go on here, but I am holding myself back.

4. About 50% of biological dads are involved in the process of giving the child up for adoption through The Cradle. "Involvement" could include simply signing off his rights, but it also sometimes means helping to select adoptive parents for the child. I am holding myself back from this rant. Don't rant Moriah. Don't rant. This is a list. No room for rants.

5. "I don't want to be called  'hero.' I want to be called 'dad,'" said one potential adoptive parent in our discussion - A statement which was followed by a round of potential adoptive parent nods of intense agreement.

Oh my goodnesssssssss... here comes a rant.

Most of the couples attending Adoption 101 were just beginning to tell family and friends that they are going to adopt a child. For most of those couples, they had been trying to build their families biologically for years, having gone through fertility treatment after fertility treatment and the intense highs and lows of that whole scenario, before making the decision to complete their family through adoption. By the time they make the announcement to family and friends that they are going to adopt, they have been battered with the host of emotions that comes from years of trying to conceive a "normal" family.

Because, as a society, we are only just beginning to discuss adoption openly and it is only just becoming less taboo, a lot of people don't know how to respond when they hear that a close friend or family member is going to adopt. Nearly every person has met someone that has been part of the adoption process (such as an adoptee, adopter, biological parent) yet ironically the first image that comes to their mind is of some celebrity adopting a starving child from a 3rd World Nation.

*Caveat: We all know that the response that I am about to highlight comes from a place of love, but I am just letting you know here that this is what a small sampling implies that a large contingent of adoptive families feel.*

Here is what people sometimes say in response to "We are going to adopt.":

"I think you are a hero."

*Once again, I put the caveat out there that this is definitely not the scenario for all people who are adopting, and that we know that this "hero" statement is said out of love.*

This is why we don't like it:

In this country (USA!), a normal healthy baby is 99.9999% of the time going to be adopted. End of story. There are extensive lists of people who want to adopt babies and those people are sometimes waiting on those lists for years before they have the opportunity to bless their home with a child.

We don't want to be called "heroes." And we don't mean that in a modest way. We want to be called "mom" or "dad" and we are not willing to accept anything less.

"Hero" is less to us. "Hero" is something different. We are not saving a child. If anything, a child is saving us.

Not a hero. Not being modest. Just being honest.

*And again here is the caveat - not all people pursuing adoption fit into this category.*

Rant complete. Resume list. No more rants allowed.

So there you have it - 5 of the...um... 10 things... from Adoption 101. Plus a bonus rant. Yes - we will call it a "bonus."

By the way we have officially raised over $10,000 for our fundraiser (checks included, which do not show up on the crowdfunding site). Five Thousand Dollars more to go to meet our July 25th goal! WOO! https://www.purecharity.com/garcias-adoptYAY! PANDA!

Exceeding Unset Goals and Praying to Meet Set Goals

A little over two months ago, on Memorial Day weekend, we made our Next Chapter Facebook event, posted a blog post featuring the KoolAid mascot and our feelings, and unveiled the Operation Adoption fundraiser. 

Since then we have been overwhelmed by the stories, love, and generosity of friends, family, acquaintances, and even friends of acquaintances whom we have never met. We have raised over $9,000. And we also randomly accidentally have had over 1,000 views of our blog. Let the KoolAid man's statement stand:

Cue slightly extended status update:

This weekend, on July 11th, we have our first adoption class at The Cradle, the first of many classes and tests and such that are part of the Homestudy process (a process we have posted more about here). At this point the payments begin to be due.

In 3 weeks we have our Next Chapter Bash, by the end of which we hope to have raised a whole other $6,000 to meet our $15,000 goal. A lofty challenge, but we do have faith and hope that it will happen!

We spent our 4th of July weekend 1) working on getting the house and details ready for the Next Chapter Bash 2) laughing as our dog Nigel ran around barking his head off at the fireworks and 3) exercising great restraint to not overly comfort our other dog Sweets as he tucked himself into corners in respose to those same fireworks.

And I couldn't help but wonder what our next 4th of July might be like.

And whether there will be a little one we are trying to get to sleep through the sound of fireworks and barking dogs. Wouldn't it be an amazing blessing to be put through such an obnoxious experience?